Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
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Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?