Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
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Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”