My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
You Might Also Like
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.