Stop being racist to kettles.
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[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.