one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
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INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.