I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
You Might Also Like
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.