Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
You Might Also Like
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”