*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
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Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Who’s drunk
*raises leg