ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
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[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.