If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
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I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.