If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
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*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids