One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
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when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Best misinterpreted text ever!
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”