Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
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I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I would move hell over six inches for you
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.