If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
You Might Also Like
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha