My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
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Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
get you a girl who
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.