[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
You Might Also Like
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
is nasa ok
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.