My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
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[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎