Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
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How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
absolute chaos
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.