I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
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Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano