I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
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I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Bill is short for Billiam
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense