If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
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Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Doctors texting each other.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives