When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
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[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.