Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
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Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party