If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
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A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I ate everything, including the H.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.