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“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear