Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
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10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
car not found
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
This is I, Robot all over again
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers