Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
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Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?