Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
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Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
She was rare, like a goth jogging