When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
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I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it