too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
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My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done