I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
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So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.