If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
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Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.