turning my gender off to conserve energy
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This could be us but you eatin’
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
“our sushi is very fresh”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Venn
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.