[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.