Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
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11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
just pretend nothing happened
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.