Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
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Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no