This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
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[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.