How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
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9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”