Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
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How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.