Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
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Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
good let them take over I have had enough
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
R.I.P.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.