Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
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i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.