“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
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I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Worth a try
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
and now we wait
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.