Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
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4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.