ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
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[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside