eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
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Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I’d hang this in my house.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.