Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
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I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
ouch
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.