Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
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First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car