I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
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I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
January has been Januweary
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda