Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
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Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Cannot stop laughing at this
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Something Saturday.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
🙋♀️
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash