Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
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ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall